My 1,000,000

I remember the burning sensation in my eyes, the feeling of being so unsure and so terrified about what’s next. I wanted to cry but I was trying to stay strong like he taught me, like he always was. I swallowed my tears and tried to forget about the knot in my stomach, growing bigger with every hour that was going by. It was our last night together and the more I was thinking about it, the more of a reality it was becoming; but that wasn’t solely the fact that was killing me inside. What was killing me was that I didn’t know what was next.

I barely slept that night. I was sobbing quietly because I didn’t want to wake him up, and I didn’t want him to know how much leaving would affect me. When it was time to get up I took a look around my room, the room that was my home for four months, the room where me and him created some of the most amazing memories of my life, the room where me and him had some huge fights that ended up bringing us closer to each other. My things were still scattered around; a reflection of my denial to deal with reality. I only had a few hours to accept it and to say goodbye to what I thought would be my life for much longer.

“So much for our big plans”, he said, and I could barely hold it together.

I wanted to grab onto him and not let go, unless someone had to rip us apart. I got up and started packing while he was sitting on my bed looking motionless. I couldn’t tell how he was feeling. When I was done I laid next to him and I put my hands around him. My lips were touching his neck and as I was breathing heavily I could feel the warmth of his body, a warmth I didn’t know when I was going to feel again. I told him I loved him which was the only true thing for me at that moment, everything else was just a bad dream that I could not wake up from.

It was almost time for me to go; I walked him out the door, my heart trembling like I was about to commit a crime. I hugged him tight and breathed him in while he asked me not to cry, told me that he’d see me soon, that he loved me too. He walked down those stairs and I run in my room. He couldn’t see me anymore so I started crying, I couldn’t help it. It was pouring out and along with it all my feelings were blasting upon me. Everything that I tried to avoid the past week was hitting me hard now, everything I denied to look at was staring right at me, forcing me to look back, and while I was crying alone the knock at the door sounded like something I imagined, only it kept going.

I run to the door with those warm tears all over my face and when I opened the door he was crying too, he was looking at me and this look was like a stab in my heart, deep and painful in a bitter-sweet way.

“One more”, he said and he kissed me hard, as if it was the last thing he would ever do, and this kiss felt like forever, or I wanted it to last forever, I’m still not sure. He didn’t say anything, we just kept crying and kissing until he left again; for real this time.

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Dealing with Stressful Parents

I have them, you have them, DWI

cause they still love us…

There are so many type of parenting styles they don’t even count on my two hands; there is this one pattern that often appears across all types. That is being extra (even before the word extra was a thing)! From basic parents who stress their kids out about being super-students, parents who stress their kids out since they’re 5 about not having sex before marriage, to parents who are just extra overprotective for no apparent reason, they all exist and some of us grew up putting up with it because “they’re worried and they want what’s best for us”.

But people, this was childhood. Endorse this bad habit or not, doesn’t matter, trust me, it’s gonna follow into adulthood. They are gonna snoop their nose into your business, force their opinion upon you even when you didn’t ask for it, and ruin a perfectly good day with THEIR worrying which they bring upon themselves. Bitch it’s not my fault you sit down and create scenarios in your head, which you then proceed into believing are some kind of intuition or prophecy that you magically achieved when you became a parent. Like yes, you do fall in when you guess stuff about your kid sometimes but that’s expected man! You know this person all his/her life, it’s normal that you’re gonna get it right sometimes, it doesn’t make you a psychic.

You know what I hate? They always tell us that we are not trying to understand them. To understand that they act the way they do cause they’re parents and they’re worried, but when we do something they don’t understand they don’t try to. Not only they don’t understand that we are adults in an adult world that is different than theirs, therefore our rules are different than theirs, but they also do not trust our judgement and our ability to make decisions for ourselves. Like, I’m 23, isn’t this what you’ve been prepping me for my whole life? You don’t have any faith in the work you’ve been doing as a parent that I can get out there and be good by myself? Without you?

Oh this a whole other chapter. The transition of us becoming independent is so hard for all of them. The thought of us taking steps towards our future without consulting with them is, oh my god, so outrageous. They will make themselves sick worrying about stuff with no basis and then they’ll be so miserable that they’ll try to pass this anxiety onto you  without stoping to think that this might ruin your happiness and make you stressed as well for absolutely no reason.

They are always justified, because they are parents and kids don’t come with a manual right? But parents don’t come with a manual either and taking into consideration that there is no such thing as a “perfect parent”, we reach the conclusion that they are not always right and we don’t ALWAYS have to listen to them, especially when we’re like… I don’t know, ADULTS?

All I’m saying is that they should stop expecting us to excuse their every mistake because they are not perfect and because everything they say is because they love us. We love them too, but we also love ourselves and we are entitled to being our own person, even if that includes not living to ease their anxieties and fears.

#nobodymattersmorethanyou xx

Wound Each Other

There are nights like this that I can’t sleep and I sit on my bed and simply wonder. Wonder and question my decisions; therefore, my entire self. Do I choose the right people? Do I love the wrong way? Am I too much to handle? Do I ask for too much?

Am I okay?

It’s just never quiet, you know. It is never slow; my mind. It has always been a sign of vitality and I’m grateful that I can think so much; that I can think that well. But in the end, does it really benefit me? Does it prompt me to happiness? Its frequency is so fast. It constantly picks up things and analyses them. People, thoughts, emotions; they all go through my eyes so fast. Everything is assessed, associations are being made every second.

Who are they, what do they want, how do they feel, what do they think about me. Are they okay?

Am I really attracted to the people who are not okay? And does that by definition make me not okay either? Am I bound to be let down. I don’t know, I am so confused. It is so easy nowadays; so easy to build walls. I spend so much time building walls it’s normal for me to be curious as to who is clever enough to climb them.

But my walls have thorns on them; only wounded people are resistant enough to climb them. I am wounded, they are wounded. In the end we wound each other.

Looking For Alaska

looking-for-alaska-quotes

Thomas Edison’s last words were, “It’s very beautiful over there.”

I don’t know where there is, but I know it’s somewhere and I know it’s beautiful.

I thought at first that she was just dead. Just darkness. Just a body being eaten by bugs. I thought about her a lot like that, as something‘s meal. What was her – green eyes, half a smirk, the soft curves of her legs – would soon be nothing, just the bones I never saw. I thought about the slow process of becoming bone and then fossil and then coal that will, in millions of years, be mined by humans of the future, and how they would heat their homes with her, and then she would be smoke billowing out of a smokestack, coating the atmosphere. I still think that sometimes, think that maybe “the afterlife” is just something we made up to axe the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth (of suffering) bearable. Maybe she was just matter, and matter gets recycled. But ultimately I do not believe that she was only matter. The rest of her must be recycled too. I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts. If you take Alaska’s genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with people, and then you take the shape and size of her body, you do not get her. There is something else entirely. There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed.  Although no one will ever accuse me of being much of a science student, one thing I learned from science classes is that energy is never created and never destroyed. And if Alaska took her own life, that is the hope I wish I could have given her. Forgetting her mother( her mother’s death anniversary), failing her mother and her friends and herself – those are awful things, but she did not need to fold into herself and self-destruct.Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, “Teenagers think they are invincible.” with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don’t know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.

Taken from John Green’s book “Looking For Alaska”.

Greek guy travels in Lille-France for the sake of the girl he loved

I am simply translating the article of the Greek site LIFO because it made a huge impression to me.

“I made #instanadine in order to meet her”

“I would like you to dedicate a few minutes to read my story” said the man who signs as “The good mickey”. He is 22 years old and recently he played it all for love. Some would think this is very romantic while others would consider him an annoying stalker. Here is his story.

One week and 2 ays after my experience, I decided to share it with you. Don’t ask me why. I just have the need to share it with someone other than friends. It is a love story that i lived now, at my 22 years of age and I don’t think I will easily relive something similar so please even if it seems boring to you understand that is a soul experience and forgive me.

Nadine (name that comes from Konstantina in Greek) was my girlfriend for 2 months. Don’t rush into conclusions about the amount of time. It was the most intense and strong thing I have ever lived until today. We broke up in January because of me. Yes! This stupid strength that while you are great it pushes you to do everything to ruin your situation. That strength stroke me. So we broke up and Nadine left, she went to Lille of France with the Erasmus program.

From the day we broke up i sent her more than 100 sms and viber messages  in which she didn’t respond even though I knew she had seen them because of the “seen”. Every unanswered message was equal to a strong dose of outburst for me for all of what i ruined. All the amazing moments that I erased, all the night hugs that I threw away and all of the first kisses that I blanked.

My last message said “I thought of what i want and what is worth fighting for in my life. I am gonna risk it. I booked tickets for Lille. Thursday at 9.30 am I will be there until 3 pm. I don’t have somewhere else to go nor mood for sightseeing. I also don’t elect you to show. I own this trip to everything I felt and more to everything I ruined.”

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I didn’t text her anything else. It was enough. And that is short of how I got ready for my trip in Lille. She didn’t respond in my message. I didn’t expect her to but I had told my self this wouldn’t influence me. Really I didn’t care. The main reason for this trip was my need to fix the mistake that I have made. Second reason was her hug and her eyes. You know, Nadine has amazing eyes.

Two reasons therefore are more than enough to go after something you dream of. Because I, this meeting more than few times I;ve dreamt of.

The tickets were booked and the only thing left was for me to board. Nadine, of course tried to prevent this trip. She uploaded pictures in Instagram. Pictures of Paris to show me that she was there but I knew that she would be back in Lille by the day I was there.

Also, few minutes after the message informing her about my upcoming trip she uploaded a picture in instagram with another guy. This was my smaller concern, she could be with someone else and having a great time. I didn’t care, I, to start with, wanted to apologise to her. I didn’t expect her to accept me back in her life. Just to meet her and tell her I’m sorry.

So, she tired indirectly to tell me “don’t come” but I didn’t listen to her. If she would’t straightforwardly tell me with a message i wouldn’t listen to her. The more she tried to prevent me with pictures i would still stick to my belief that I would see her in Grand’Place at Thursday morning. I was so bold that i actually read this silence as something positive, “She didn’t ask me not to come so deep down she wants me to do this trip” i thought.

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So, Thursday had arrived. The trip was a little tiring for the simple reason that last night I haven’t slept at all. I put on her favourite shirt and I was ready to go. I had in screenshots in my phone the maps that would lead me to Grand’Place. I arrived there at 9:30, just like i have promised. I used to be late at our dates but I was right on time for this one. One who really wants to is never late at dates.

I took a picture of the statue there at Grand’place of Lille and i sent it to her through viber saying: “I don’t know if you care even a little but I am under this.”

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My message was “Seen”…Now I only had to wait. The first half hour went by very fast. I didn’t even realise it. I was looking at the beautiful square. My mind was rolling like crazy and I was very happy that I was gonna see Nadine! I felt like a wild horse running around inside of me. My thoughts were interrupted by 2 girls from a Dutch school, they were doing a research about Lille. I told them my story and they were amazed. They thought I was romantic and they wished for me to see Nadine. They asked me questions about the city.

-Were you born here?

-No, in Thessaloniki (Greek city)

-Do you like Lille?

-I haven’t seen it, from what i see here I like it.

-What is the most beautiful thing about Lille?

-Nadine’s eyes. (They laughed)

We took a souvenir picture and they left. I kept walking around in an effort to cover more surface with my steps so that Nadine would have stepped where I did. Silly things, without any meaning but I didn’t have anything important to do. An hour was gone already. I was cold and I thought of going to a cafe across the street, to seat next to the window and look at the square to check if she is going to show up. I went there, i ordered some donuts an i sat on the window. There wasn’t 5 minutes already and I saw her hair. I left my stuff on the table and without really thinking about it I rushed to the statue. It wasn’t her, she didn’t even look like her. I went back to the cafe and in five minutes I was out again to stare at another girl that reminded me of her. No point. I had such a big need to see her that i was crating idols and hopes that I was chasing.

Anyway, the time was 12. The square was full of people. It was so weird that it was so full but it seemed empty to me. There was 1000 people and the one I wanted to see wasn’t there. I started to accept the idea that she wasn’t going to show up. Maybe it was a given fact from the start but I thought it was impossible. As impossible it seems not seeing her again anytime soon.

The time was 1…2. Many steps, much walking. “Nadine surely is going to step where I did” i thought. With mixed feelings I took the way home, but I wouldn’t leave like that. I got an idea. An idea to leave something at this space, to have proof that I’ve been here. I went to the bookstore. I bought a marker, a card, a ducting tape and a teddy bear. I did this and I stuck it to the squares’ statue.

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I took a picture and sent it to her. Leaving Grand’Place, I stood in a corner for a few minutes and I saw people looking at it and taking pictures. One week after I am counting more than 2 uploads from unknown users with the has tag #instanadine!

I left happy that I chased my dream and bitter that I didn’t touch it. I wasn’t sad. No dream hunter can be sad because maybe its a cliche but when you are chasing your dream, what is important is the trip.

The old Lille, the coffee at the square, the girls from Holland, the marker, the steps around and all of that with the feeling of waiting to see Nadine will be remembered for years to remind me one of the most sweet and bitter at the same time stories of my life.

What is left one week after to eat me up inside is that for a few hours we were so close, without meeting. Maybe next time…

My opinion about this

This is going to be a long post but anyway here it goes…I just wanted to say that the guy went out and proclaimed that everything was his fault and that they had something very strong despite the short time they were together. I think if he was lying about the intensity of the relationship Nadine would have came out and said something like “this guy is paranoid and i never loved him.”

Now, i dont know what he did to her but whatever he did she could easily reply to him “Dude stop texting me.” or “Mickey don’t come here I don’t wanna see you” but instead she said nothing, did nothing…I study psychology so i can bet all my money that she was (and still is) enjoying all of the attention from him, since she didn’t even text him “leave, i am not coming to see you” not even when he was already there. Her behaviour is not of an angry person, is of a selfish person, and if there is one thing that i disagree with Mikey is that she deserved this trip, or a second one.

What i see in this story is that all of us humans talk about how actions are important, more than words are, all of us crave for BIG gestures, and when someone finally goes ahead and does them we will find something negative to say, because humans are afraid of what they want. I don’t know what you all believe but I think the world would be a much better place with more people like him and less people like her, I admire him because he is an example that it’s fucking okay to show what you’re feeling, to do something crazy, to take a risk, and also for being an example that whatever goes wrong in your life you shouldn’t stop believing in love or go seeking for revenge.

Personally, no matter how much someone hurt me, even if I didn’t love him as much as he did, even if I didn’t have a care in the world about him, if he did this for me I would take the time to go and talk to him and explain the situation or at least send a text explaining the reasons I didn’t want to meet him…But that’s just me…Thank you for reading this.

Source :

http://www.lifo.gr/team/bitsandpieces/47954