I’m scared

Since I was a teenager when someone asked me what is the thing that scares me the most in this world my answer was “people”. I still haven’t realised where the problem stems from.

Is it that I don’t understand them at all? Or is it that I understand them better than I should? The more I think of it the bigger my confusion gets. I think the scariest part is that we all have the same features and abilities, for example our ability to love, but we all use them in such different ways and in much different extends; and when someone says something you really want to believe, because you feel the same thing they’re saying they feelin, it seems indescribably impossible that they might be sayin it without meaning it, because you wouldn’t do that, right? Or would you?

Do you even know yourself as well as you think you do? Have you ever caught yourself doing or sayin things you said you never would? I have, I think we all have; and this is the power of people. A person has the ability to reveal a whole different side of you and you might do the same to them. Just like they could make you or break you.

So I’m scared. I’m scared to say things, to feel things; and as I sit back and observe others I notice the same. They are all scared, which turns into a destructive circle of not engaging in human relationships the way that we should, whether that’s romance or friendship. The shallowness of bonds overwhelms me and makes me rather insecure and afraid that nothing that is created in our era is going to be something that lasts.

For real, think for a second that most people you know at the moment you’re going to stop talking with at some point sooner or later. That person you know is going to become that person you knew. We have destroyed the security of having a life-long connection with somebody; so now I meet people and I look at them like they’re temporary. I laugh with them, I go out with them, I might sleep with them, but it’s so hard for me to get to the point where I share my life with them, my joy, my tears. And even when I do I know that probably the time will come that I’ll regret doing so.

I’m scared, because I don’t know what you’re thinking, and you don’t know what I’m thinking, and in our effort to understand each other, if we even put that effort in the first place, we end up caught in a loop of making each other more terrified.