My 1,000,000

I remember the burning sensation in my eyes, the feeling of being so unsure and so terrified about what’s next. I wanted to cry but I was trying to stay strong like he taught me, like he always was. I swallowed my tears and tried to forget about the knot in my stomach, growing bigger with every hour that was going by. It was our last night together and the more I was thinking about it, the more of a reality it was becoming; but that wasn’t solely the fact that was killing me inside. What was killing me was that I didn’t know what was next.

I barely slept that night. I was sobbing quietly because I didn’t want to wake him up, and I didn’t want him to know how much leaving would affect me. When it was time to get up I took a look around my room, the room that was my home for four months, the room where me and him created some of the most amazing memories of my life, the room where me and him had some huge fights that ended up bringing us closer to each other. My things were still scattered around; a reflection of my denial to deal with reality. I only had a few hours to accept it and to say goodbye to what I thought would be my life for much longer.

“So much for our big plans”, he said, and I could barely hold it together.

I wanted to grab onto him and not let go, unless someone had to rip us apart. I got up and started packing while he was sitting on my bed looking motionless. I couldn’t tell how he was feeling. When I was done I laid next to him and I put my hands around him. My lips were touching his neck and as I was breathing heavily I could feel the warmth of his body, a warmth I didn’t know when I was going to feel again. I told him I loved him which was the only true thing for me at that moment, everything else was just a bad dream that I could not wake up from.

It was almost time for me to go; I walked him out the door, my heart trembling like I was about to commit a crime. I hugged him tight and breathed him in while he asked me not to cry, told me that he’d see me soon, that he loved me too. He walked down those stairs and I run in my room. He couldn’t see me anymore so I started crying, I couldn’t help it. It was pouring out and along with it all my feelings were blasting upon me. Everything that I tried to avoid the past week was hitting me hard now, everything I denied to look at was staring right at me, forcing me to look back, and while I was crying alone the knock at the door sounded like something I imagined, only it kept going.

I run to the door with those warm tears all over my face and when I opened the door he was crying too, he was looking at me and this look was like a stab in my heart, deep and painful in a bitter-sweet way.

“One more”, he said and he kissed me hard, as if it was the last thing he would ever do, and this kiss felt like forever, or I wanted it to last forever, I’m still not sure. He didn’t say anything, we just kept crying and kissing until he left again; for real this time.