“Everyone makes mistakes, but you can still understand them and try to fix them”
That’s the most important lesson I learnt today. As I might have mentioned in the past, I’m probably not the easiest person to deal with when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always consciously. I have very carefully selected the people that surround me which means that I love each and one of them and I always try to make them happy, make sacrifices for them, understand their wishes and try to be a part of making them true; but humans are subjects to their instincts after all, and sometimes my instincts keep me from being the person I want to be.
Today I hurt a person I really love because something in my unconscious was desperately trying to protect me from a threat that IT thought was there, but it was not. The way I acted was unfair and unreasonable and I take full responsibility for it, me and my insane unconscious really work against me sometimes, which often makes me scared that I will lose a lot of valuable people.
Now, sometimes you don’t realize a mistake until after you’ve made it; actually what am I saying? That’s how it goes most of the times. The damage will already have been done and then the guilt starts creeping on you, realizing that you fell for the temptation of being selfish…and that feeling sucks. I am not sure I can offer any advice on how to avoid a mistake in the first place, but what I can tell you with great confidence is that maybe trying to fix your mistake is not going to fix things, but it is definitely going to make them better. It shows that you are self-aware and able to understand your weaknesses of character and that you are willing to try hard not only to improve yourself but also your understanding of the needs’s of your loved ones and that it’s not just them needing to give up things for you, but also yourself.
Unfortunately, in my case when I realized the mistake I’ve made it was a bit too late. I felt this undying desire to do anything to undo it but I couldn’t. Because of me a person I love dearly lost an opportunity that he/she can never get back and I will never forgive myself for it. It’s an ugly feeling to hate yourself but it is good sometimes when truth strikes you and you become aware of the dark aspects of you. It helps you never do similar mistakes in the future. But the sad part is that you can only hope for your efforts to fix those mistakes to be enough to soothe a situation. You can only hope not to lose people, and you can only hope they will understand your reasons.
That’s what I hope as well. I hope that this person will find it in his/her heart to forgive me and let me prove over time that I am never going to make a mistake like that again. This person should know that I love him/her unconditionally and I will make it my goal to make up for what I did; starting now.